A Snapshot of My Heart- An Internal Transformation

I feel a little all over the place in my thoughts today. Mostly an over whelming amount of gratitude for the internal transformation that is happening in my life. Jesus is SO good and His mercy humbles me. Who am I to deserve this? I am just a sinner who is nothing without Him.

I wish we could snap a picture of the internal transformation as easily and an external transformation. To so easily show what has changed in our hearts and souls. Then again maybe thats being too transparent.  Even so I think I’d like to share a snapshot of that internal transformation, the best I can that is.

For those of you who know me personally know I have worked really hard this year to get my health back on track. I have had life long health goals I am working towards, one of them being to run a marathon. I’ve lost 45 pounds, mostly baby weight but finally got rid of that freshman 15 as well! After having my third baby I felt like I didn’t recognize myself. I had been stripped of all my identity it seems at the time. He was 3 weeks old when I found truth being presented to me. He was only 4 weeks old when I accepted Jesus in my heart.

I looked in the mirror one day when he was just a week old not knowing the person looking back at me. I looked so worn down and I was barely 22 years old. I saw no light in my eyes that I once had. Could I just blame this on a few years of no sleep? There were dark circles under my eyes to prove just that. Even so I knew it wasn’t the sleepless nights that drained the light from my eyes. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t happy when I had the fullness of the gospel as the LDS leaders would say. I felt honestly lost. I wasn’t loving motherhood and I spent many evenings venting to my husband about my day and many mornings crying as soon as he left the house because I just didn’t know how I was going to make it through the day.

Then Trevor’s mom was brave enough to speak truth to us. Somewhere in my heart and mind I knew I had to listen. After all the protests that went on in my head about not jumping out of the boat I knew I HAD to listen. I had to question. If it were true I’d come back to the LDS church. So I listened.

The Sunday morning on May 17, 2015 I remember vividly telling Trevor as we got dressed to go to the christian church service for the first time that this was the closest I had felt to him in a long time. That just the conversation last night about the Jesus of the Bible had brought that feeling of being closer. That moment. That was the moment my internal transformation started. So slowly at first but every step just as important as the next to bring me to the person I am today.

Last summer God worked on my heart about my marriage. How to strengthen it and build it up to glorify Him. He helped me understand my role as a christian wife. This is an area I pray I never stop growing in. Then He humbled me as a mother. He blessed me with more patience and brought wonderful christian moms into my life to help direct me in teaching my children of Jesus.

This year, 2016, has been a year of great spiritual, mental and emotional growth. I barely recognize the person I was a year and a half ago in photos. I can’t even begin to put into words how I have specifically grown in each area. This blog would turn into a novel if I even tried.

Spiritually God has taught me how to have a relationship with Him. I honestly did not understand how to do this as a Mormon. I tried but never felt as if I did have one. Now my focus is all on God and glorifying Him. He is so much bigger and better than I ever knew. I did not understand that previously I had put God into MY box and asked Him to fit in it so I could understand His ways. That is NOT how God works. He is something more than me that I can not understand or fathom. I won’t ever be able to understand my creator but I can glorify Him and, praise Him always for saving me! I’ve accepted He won’t fit in my box and honestly now I would never want Him to. He is way more amazing then I could make Him to be in that box.

Emotionally God had pulled me out of my always looking inward. Yes, motherhood is hard. Everyone said it wouldn’t be easy. ?Maybe I should have listened to them a little more closely. Regardless, focusing on me isn’t going to make it easier. In fact I’ve noticed when I go out of my way to invest in someone else’s day my day is a million times better. No matter the attitude my two year gave me that day. Turning my focus on others and sharing with them a bit of Gods love for them is so fulfilling. When I have those days I just want to wallow in self pity I remember I am not that person anymore and I go lift someone else up. That immediately will change my mindset. As well as turning to the word of God.

God has brought so many new people and opportunities into my life this year. I feel so blessed by each of these people I get to call a friend. The old me had a few close friends, some acquaintances and that was it. I had no community, no fellowshipping, not many friends. I was so wrapped up in me! Life is so much richer this way! I look forward to each day as I get to do life with these people! What a blessing that is.

I look in the mirror now and I not only see my physical transformation as I start to achieve small health and fitness goals but I see my internal transformation. I look into my eyes and see light and life! I look at my husband and feel more in love with him than ever. I look at my children and smile. I see happiness in the toy mess, and the peanut butter face. I don’t spend my evening venting to my husband or even recovering from my day anymore. I’m intentional with how I spend my evenings and with focusing on my relationship with Trevor.

I feel overwhelmed with gratitude for all God is doing in my life. His grace amazes me still!