After I came to know God as He manifests Himself to be in the Bible, He started to really show me my faults, pride, selfishness, sin, and how I had my priorities completely backwards. This wasn’t an easy thing to take head on.
It was sometime in July 2015, my family dynamic was drastically changing, for the better. We were pursuing God, and continually are everyday, like never before. We were adjusting to having 3 kiddos 3 and under. We’d just moved a few months before and had not yet settled into our new home.
I felt so overwhelmed. My newborn was attached to me 24/7. I’d never had such a clingy baby. I had an 18 month old and a fresh 3 year old. I was doing my best to meet all these boys needs and probably failing miserably. My husband is a trooper! I’m sure I was neglecting our marriage more then I realized. But God knows all things and like the kind, loving God He is He showed me how my priorities would eventually destroy my marriage. I had always just believed we would survive. But I want to more then survive, I want us to thrive! Its not like we were fighting a lot or even fighting really at all, we prefer to bicker honestly. But I was putting my kids first and that eventually would take a huge toll my marriage if God hadn’t shown me the error of my ways.
In fact probably most our marriage I’d put my priorities in this order: Kids, Husband,God.. I had them completely reversed! Over the month of July God really worked on my heart and taught me valuable lessons. I was turning to my husband for things I should turn to God for. My worth doesn’t come from my husband but from God. It’s not my husbands responsibility to feed my self worth. If I were to have these expectations from him he would surely disappoint me because he cannot fill that void. As I dove into the Bible and grew my relationship with God I was able to find my self worth in being a child of God.
My next problem was I was putting my husband under my children when it came to prioritizing my life. I needed to be putting him, us, before them. I was at a loss of how to do this but I just prayed God would walk me through this and lead me in how to balance my marriage and my children. And He did, because He is always faithful. This was not easy for me to learn and it is something I suspect I will have to work at everyday the rest of my life. I really struggle as a mom feeling like I need to answer and meet every need of my child. I was constantly cutting off my conversation with my husband or what I was doing with him to do something for a child that didn’t necessarily need to be done right then. I can’t really explain but I was making many small decisions that was having a big impact on my marriage. As well as setting my kids up for some major disappointment in life when everything wasn’t going to be handed to them exactly when they wanted it to be. God patiently and consistently kept reminding me of how to correct this.
One thing I’ve also started doing at this time was praying daily for my husband. I use to pray occasionally for him but I started to really pray everyday for him. I’d pray for me to know how to be the best wife for him and be an encourager for him. I also started a prayer journal that I have written down some of those prayers in and looking back on that I cherish it. It really reminds me of how far I’ve come. As well as how far we have come as a couple. I also love to reflect on how God answered those prayers in both of our lives.
My biggest problem though was that God wasn’t number one on my list.. in fact he was number three, maybe even four.. I’m sure there were many days He wasn’t even on my list. God called me to repentance and humbled my heart. I thought I could raise these boys with just a phone call to God when I was having a bad day. Or I could just touch base with Him at the end of an exhausting day and that would be enough to get me through. Luckily God reminded me how important it is for Him to always be my number one. I’m not gonna lie it was a hard adjustment for me to reorganize my priorities. I’m human. I sometimes think I can do everything on my own and don’t need help but thats not a way to do life. I need to turn to Him every day first for patients, for grace, for unconditional love for my children. I need to turn them to Him daily for an example, for truth, for forgiveness. Making God number one is more than making Him my go to but also teaching my kids to go to Him first in all things.
As I continued to make God my top priority I noticed many amazing changes in myself and my family. My day was going better even if it wasn’t easier. God was with me always and it reflected in my parenting. My love for God, my husband and my children grew more then I ever knew it could. I came to Trevor over our anniversary dinner that August and shared with him all God was doing in my heart and it was an amazing changing point for us. I felt alive! I felt this fire in my soul I had to share with others.
The Bible says that you are made new when you give your life to Jesus and that is exactly what was happening in me (2 Corinthians 5:17, Romans 12:2). I was becoming a new person from the inside out. A better person. Someone who lays it all down at the cross and is continually trying to let Jesus guide my life and work within me. Someone who is on a walk with Him, not just touching base when I was burned out. How grateful I am for this new me, and new relationship with God.