Its been a long time since I’ve had enough concentration to sit and write. I guess that’s what four boys does to you.
As I reflect on the last two years I see a lot of rough patches but more importantly I see a whole lot of God showing up boldly in my life. I see Him in the good times more importantly I see Him boldly in some of the darkest moments.
Our fourth son, Graysen, was our God planned child. It threw me for a loop. I wasn’t emotionally ready for all that was to come. I prayed over him my entire pregnancy. That he would be healthy, that he’d be “easy” baby because mama had her hands full already. I prayed He’d sleep through the night and not have food allergies to complicate nursing like his brothers. I poured out every good desire and all the selfish ones too. I always ended it by giving it over to God and prayed God would pursue Graysen’s heart.
The funny part, or maybe not so funny, God doest usually answer our prayers the way we expect Him to and this happened to be the case here. But if God had answered my prayer then I wouldn’t have this story to share. A story that glorifies God at every turn. I pray He uses my story to help other women who are suffering in silence.
Graysen’s birth was perfect. It was fast and intense and crazy just like him! We left the birth saying “wow!” I wish all my births were so wonderful honestly.
He had this perfect start to life. Daddy was home for a week, he’d never had so much time off before. My one week appointment went smoothly then Daddy went back to work and everything seemed to fall apart.
Postpartum Depression started to set in. Anxiety was on the rise as four boys ages 5 and under needed me. Everytime my name was called my heart raced in anticipation of how I was going to juggle all their needs.
Graysen was now a month old and I’d spent the last few weeks trying to get him to gain weight. I was feeding every hour, then pumping, then syringe feeding the pumped milk to have 20 minutes left of the hour to meet the needs of three toddlers and take care of myself. Then to start the cycle all over again. Looking back I can see this was an unrealistic expectation I had for myself without help but I wanted to nurse so desperately in hopes it would help me bond and I would have a wonderful experience like I had with our third son. It was no small miracle when Graysen started gaining weight. It was not the first time God would show up and wouldn’t be the last time either.
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I found myself in my midwives office trying to not be overly dramatic about my postpartum depression and anxiety. I didn’t want to go on medications if I didn’t need to. I promised I’d reach out if needed medication but I inside I thought I would be able to just ride it out like I had in the past. Looking back now I can see I really should have gotten help then, before it got bad.
That fall of 2017 I went to a women day retreat at the church. Was pleading with God to take this depression from me. Again, He doesn’t answer prayers as we would expect. Instead He blessed me with a dear friend realizing how much I was struggling. What a blessing this turned out to be.
The truth is I had settled into postpartum psychosis. Some how I managed to hide it and fight the demons in my mind alone for a long time. It wasn’t till a year that I shared with my husband how bad I really was. Along the way I would drop hints, thoughts, feelings. I cried every time he left for work because I COULD NOT DO THIS. Why had God sent this fourth child. I could not manage it.
I want to spare the ugly details. If you would like to read more on that you can hop to my blog about my postpartum journey. What I want to focus on with this one is how God showed up in the midst of it all, held me in the palm of His hand and has brought me to fully and completely heal.
I would be so angry at God. I would yell at Him and I should be ashamed to admit swear in many conversations with Him but I have learned how to break those walls of shame. He taught me so much in the silence. OH boy did I feel silence. Looking back I can see instances where He was anything but silent but I could not see it as that at the time.
I was hospitalized at 18 months postpartum. If you know anything about postpartum psychosis you will know that thats an insane amount of time to go undiagnosed and untreated. God had a story to share though. He had a story for me to walk in order to bring Him glory and point back to Him. Nobody can listen to my story and say that it was pure luck I survived. No, it was only God.
God not only saved my life day after day and protected my sweet Graysen from the demons I was fighting but He blessed me with the heart to want to share. Share my story, share His love and bring hope to other mothers. Along with that He showed me how over the years He has been preparing me to share my story, to have opportunity to grow as a small group leader, support group leader and a passion to help others. I’m forever grateful He has blessed me with a servants heart and a desire to reach the masses.
I would like to end this blog with an unusual request. Would you mind praying for me. God is bringing me through the large task that only He can fulfill. He has put in on my heart to write a book- which feels so overwhelming as a mother of young children in the thick of life. Which seems to be part of the point to me. Another instance He is trying to teach me He will carry me through and to trust Him. I think this is a message I am missing the point of because it seems to be a requiring theme the last four years.
Please pray that I will have focus and know what it is that He wants shared and not the unimportant details. I’d appreciate it so much.
Go in Gods peace and love!