I get it in my head once in a while that I can do it all. Like this month. I didn’t expect to get burned out so fast. I thought I’d be able to implement all my new life skills and stay on top of everything.
Then I found myself bawling on the coach for a few hours yesterday. I had it my wall. I was at my lowest. I was so depressed and didn’t know how I was going to survive the next few minutes let alone weeks.
I had to really reevaluate what I was doing. Why was I at this breaking point?
It’s simple really.
- I was not keeping God as my first priority in the business of the month. Not the way I needed to be.
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I’d stopped filling my cup but kept pouring from it.
It left me exhausted, impatient, and a big mess.
Today I woke and knew I had to do something differently. I had been pleading with God to replace my weakness with His strength. To fill me with His grace. To give me the patients I didn’t have. To give me the energy needed to be the mom these boys need me to be.
I dropped my oldest off at preschool and instead of going on a run I sat down reading from my daily devotion and my Bible. I pondered what it meant to abide in Christ, Jesus. What it meant for Him to be my source of strength.
Every tear I shed yesterday was a prayer to God. Was a plea for Him to be my strength.
My day did a complete 180 from yesterday. I was HAPPY. I was much more patient. I could cope with my day to day responsibilities. I found so much joy in being with my boys. We came home from preschool and I got the house cleaned up which helped me immensely. I get overwhelmed easily with a very dirty house.
This afternoon I through in my workout and loved that my 2 year old joined in for a good part of it. It made me fill so much better. I was most importantly filling my cup so I could continue to pour from it.
As I was putting my kids to bed by myself, again tonight, I was reflecting on my day knowing my strength was not my own. My joy was not my own. My patience was not my own. Gods grace was the source for all of it. He was my everything today, as I should let Him be everyday.
It was through Him I was able to take care of myself and then everyone else. That I managed to not lose my cool after bed time taking 2 hours and having to put the baby back to sleep twice as well as the oldest back to sleep 3 times.
I sit here thanking and praising God for my day. And it makes me wonder why I continuously try to put myself back in the equation. To do life my way. It’s not about me. It’s not about what I can do on my own. It’s about everything I am in Him! Its about using my day to glorify Him. To teach my children of all He is. Its not about me.
I’ve been thinking about that a lot this week. Its never been about what I can do for God. I can’t do anything for Him. I can’t do anything to earn worthiness in His eyes. It has always been about what Jesus did for me. A quote I heard last week that I love and relate to so much says “Religion says to do, and Christianity says done”. If I could put my feelings about being raised in the LDS faith to my feelings about being Christian in one sentence it would be that one. As a Mormon I constantly felt like I had to do to be worthy enough. As a Christian I know I can’t do anything to become worthy enough. I can only accept Jesus’ gift and thank Him for it.