Sometimes we don’t understand the path God is leading us down. Thats definitely been the case for me these last two and half years.
Our fourth son, Graysen, was our God planned child. It threw me for a loop. I wasn’t emotionally ready for all that was to come. I prayed over him my entire pregnancy. That he would be healthy, that he’d be “easy” baby because mama had her hands full already. I prayed he’d sleep through the night and not have food allergies to complicate nursing like his brothers. I poured out every good desire and all the selfish ones too. I always ended it by giving it over to God and prayed God would pursue Graysen’s heart.
The funny part, or maybe not so funny, God doesn’t usually answer our prayers the way we expect Him to and this happened to be the case here. But if God had answered my prayer then I wouldn’t have this story to share. A story that glorifies God at every turn. I pray He uses my story to help other women who are suffering in silence.
Graysen’s birth was perfect. It was fast and intense and crazy just like him! We left the birth saying “Wow!” I wish all my births were so wonderful honestly.
This sweet little boy turns two next month… It’s hard to believe it’s already been two years and that I haven’t blogged in that long. It’s hard to share messages that glorify God when you’re questioning what He’s doing with your life. How was I to share how He is working in my life when I felt like I couldn’t hear Him?
I still feel like He’s had moments of silence through my story. I’m not yet sure why, maybe I’ll never understand but I can say in His timing He showed His faithfulness to me and I knew that He had been carrying me through. I couldn’t have done it without Him.
I’ve struggled in silence for a long time. I’ve been silent here because I couldn’t and didn’t know how I could share something so painful. Especially when I was in the thick of it.
Just a week after Graysen was born I had severe postpartum mood disorder hit. It hit hard and it was drowning me. It’s by Gods grace I sit here today and write. I can say now as I’m finally finding healing two years later that He does have a purpose for my suffering. I can start to see the bigger picture now. I’m not sure all that is in store but I do know it will be for Gods glory.
I’m not going to go into all the details of my journey yet. Thats another story and one I will share. I’ll share of every time God showed me He was carrying me through the pain and darkness. I will say this, you never know what life is going to throw at you and you have a choice of how you will respond. I chose to praise God no matter the valley I was in. I chose to be open with God about my feeling, my anger, my pain, my grief, and praise Him for the glimpses of hope we have seen along the way. I haven’t always felt this was fair and I definitely spent my fair share of hours yelling and weeping out to God for strength, determination to move forward, and plead my marriage stay strong through this storm.
Today I can say I feel like God has given me strength, strength I need for today. I don’t know what I’ll say about tomorrow and I can tell you last week I was questioning where He was in this mess. Today though I hear Him. I hear Him whisper I’m right here and I have been the whole time. Today I have moments of joy, love, and happiness. All emotions I haven’t felt in a really, really long time. I praise Him for all of them today and don’t take a moment of them for granted.
So if you are going through your own valley, no matter what it is, know God is with you. He is carrying you. He loves you and He is faithful. Go in Gods love.