I wrote this blog post in bed in a notebook first a little over a week ago as I struggled with recovering from a surgery. It has been a difficult year for our family and laying in bed for weeks in great amount of pain left me nothing but time to let my brain wonder and fret about life. At times I wondered where God was.. was He really near. Below is the wrestle I struggled with for many weeks.
It’s sometimes hard to find the words to write when I feel so far from God, or that He can’t hear me, when I’ve committed to share my walk with God publicly to be used as He sees fit. I’m in a valley, a big, deep valley.
My family has been hit with one thing after another since the end of last year. Just four weeks into my one year olds recovery from a hernia surgery I was taken in for an emergency appendectomy at 17 weeks pregnant. I’m currently three and half weeks into my recovery and it has been so slow and rough. I’m allergic to all painkillers so having surgery is something I avoid as I can’t control my pain. I spent two weeks not being able to manage even getting out of bed. I then began to be able to get up and take care of the bare minimum for my children but haven’t been able to progress past that. I still struggle with my pain constantly and it is mentally exhausting to have been in constant pain for so many weeks.
Through this all I have struggled to feel God is near me. I know I have so many praying for me. I know how many prayers and tears I’ve cried pleading to feel God is close to me and sustaining me through this… but I don’t. Ive wrestled with this for weeks. Not feeling close to Him, sustained by Him through this when I know I am.
If theres one thing I’ve learned as a Christian it is when I feel those feelings I must respond to them with truth! The bible says God is always near. (Deuteronomy 31:8, Isaiah 41:10-13, Psalms 55:22) It says He will save those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalms 34:18) I know these to be truth even when I don’t feel it to be so. Our feelings can be so deceiving.
It has been so hard for me to focus on reading with my pain level so I have been listening to worship music as a way to speak truth to myself. There has been amazing moments through song I have felt connected to God and He has whispered to me through the lyrics. Last Sunday was the first Sunday I managed to be able to make it to church since surgery and our pastor shared a song with us I hadn’t heard before ‘Masterpiece’ by Danney Gokey. This song spoke to me! I felt God had heard each prayer while I listened to it. Heres some of the lyrics that spoke to me:
“.. And I can’t understand
Why I’m not fixed by now
Begged and I pleaded
Take this pain but I’m still bleeding
Heart trusts you for certain
Head says it’s not working
I’m stuck here still hurting
But you tell me
You’re making a masterpiece
You’re shaping the soul in me
You’re moving where I can’t see
And all I am is in your hands
You’re taking me all apart
Like it was your plan from the start
To finish your work of art for all to see you’re making a masterpiece”
This song is the reminder He is in control. All things will work for His glory. I Am in His hands! I wouldn’t want to be in anyone else hands. Right now I may be in the ‘you’re taking me all apart, like it was your plan from the start’ phase but I know that He is making something special with my life. He is shaping me to be who He intended me to be.. a masterpiece.